Once upon a time, I was an insufferable doormat.
In some ways, I still am, but thanks to time and just a hint of pride, I’ve moved past my worst moments.
Even to this day, I struggle with acknowledging my own feelings because I care so much about others’ instead. A guilt settles in the pit of my belly when I have to say no to a person or a request. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking care of myself; in fact, I should do it more often.
The biggest struggle that comes with finding yourself is teaching others about the new you. Or rather, the you you are already that you’re now more comfortable sharing with others.
I am a laid back person by default. I don’t like to start or be involved in drama, I keep to myself, and overall, I’m an introverted individual. Introversion, however, does not mean lacking interest in diverse topics or lacking passion for various ideologies (but that’s a whole ‘nother post for another day). I am a strong believer in rooting for the underdog and working with underprivileged people to help them. Though I may not show it outwardly, I can get as angry or as sad as anyone else when faced with adversity.
Just because I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve doesn’t mean I don’t have one.
But what gets me most upset is when people – especially those close to me – invalidate my feelings or my reactions because to them, that’s “not me.” In reality, that’s not their perception of me. That’s not what they expect me to do.
Figuring out who you want to be is a common problem that’s often addressed but rarely answered, if at all.
Spoiler: I do not claim to have an answer. But, I have my own insight, so take of that what you will.
As of two months ago, I solidly entered the age bracket of “late 20s” and all of the existential stress that comes with inching closer and closer to
death 30. And despite having a pretty good idea of what kind of life I’d like to pursue (and boy, do I try), I still get hit with the question: is this really what I want?
And that opens up the bigger, more menacing can of worms: what do I want?